After the world’s worst night sleep, I got the 2nd biggest slap in the face I’ve ever had. The 1st was the first time this happened. Physically shaking I not only wee’d on 2 sticks, but myself too! That wait to see if it’s a positive or negative is horrific. I actually had a dream last night it was positive!
I’ve gone from thinking it hasn’t worked, to looking at baby names again, to planning when I’d be due, to thinking it hasn’t worked again. I really felt like this time i’d done everything I could! I had the scratch, used a different cycle & drugs, did acupuncture, I have eaten what I was told to eat. Even though I don’t like Brazil nuts! I haven’t even been on one walk, or stepped foot in a gym in 2 weeks. I did work from home & I did get slightly stressed a few times. But that’s normal! Pregnant people work. You aren’t meant to have bed rest for 2 weeks.
All for nothing. I cried, then I felt sick, then I told Chris I bet he regrets marrying me. He doesn’t bless him. Now I’m just angry & empty. I feel like a leftover deflated balloon at a party. All shrivelled up with nothing left inside. My poor body doesn’t know what’s going on. I’m bloated, gained loads of weight, been doing bloody pessaries morning & night, for nothing. I haven’t been out, or had a life in ages. Seem’s so cruel. I’ve never tried so hard at something, just to be kicked back down twice.
We have 1 attempt left on the nhs & only 2 eggs left. So it’s scary. I won’t be beaten! I think I need to have the natural killer cell test this time. Anyone else done this?
But what’s s**t about that is you have to wait 3 months apparently. So it’s all delayed again. I’m not getting any younger & this freaks me out. I never wanted to be an old mum!
Anyway I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, or say sorry. It’s not your fault. It’s just awful luck. I have a wonderful life except for this. If it’s meant to be, hopefully it will be. I’ll be back to my sunny positive self soon. People may judge & wonder why I’m sharing something so personal. But it’s my life & if it helps others & me, then it’s a good thing. When I was really young I’d wrote songs and poems. So I wrote a little quick one today. Sending so much love to you if you’re in the same position. You will truly know how it feels X