Failed again

After the world’s worst night sleep, I got the 2nd biggest slap in the face I’ve ever had. The 1st was the first time this happened. Physically shaking I not only wee’d on 2 sticks, but myself too! That wait to see if it’s a positive or negative is horrific. I actually had a dream last night it was positive!

I’ve gone from thinking it hasn’t worked, to looking at baby names again, to planning when I’d be due, to thinking it hasn’t worked again. I really felt like this time i’d done everything I could! I had the scratch, used a different cycle & drugs, did acupuncture, I have eaten what I was told to eat. Even though I don’t like Brazil nuts! I haven’t even been on one walk, or stepped foot in a gym in 2 weeks. I did work from home & I did get slightly stressed a few times. But that’s normal! Pregnant people work. You aren’t meant to have bed rest for 2 weeks.

All for nothing. I cried, then I felt sick, then I told Chris I bet he regrets marrying me. He doesn’t bless him. Now I’m just angry & empty. I feel like a leftover deflated balloon at a party. All shrivelled up with nothing left inside. My poor body doesn’t know what’s going on. I’m bloated, gained loads of weight, been doing bloody pessaries morning & night, for nothing. I haven’t been out, or had a life in ages. Seem’s so cruel. I’ve never tried so hard at something, just to be kicked back down twice.

We have 1 attempt left on the nhs & only 2 eggs left. So it’s scary. I won’t be beaten! I think I need to have the natural killer cell test this time. Anyone else done this?
But what’s s**t about that is you have to wait 3 months apparently. So it’s all delayed again. I’m not getting any younger & this freaks me out. I never wanted to be an old mum!

Anyway I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, or say sorry. It’s not your fault. It’s just awful luck. I have a wonderful life except for this. If it’s meant to be, hopefully it will be. I’ll be back to my sunny positive self soon. People may judge & wonder why I’m sharing something so personal. But it’s my life & if it helps others & me, then it’s a good thing. When I was really young I’d wrote songs and poems. So I wrote a little quick one today. Sending so much love to you if you’re in the same position. You will truly know how it feels X

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3 thoughts on “Failed again

  1. Hi
    I’ve just come across your account and read this part of your IVF journey. Which clinic are you with?
    We had a little girl after trying for 10 years and 4 failed IVF’s. Could offer some support and advice if you like.

  2. Hi Nikki

    I’m new to slimming world and found your amazing YouTube channel and Insta. So inspirational! I’ve always been around 9.5-10 stone but since I had my 2nd daughter I can’t get rid of this annoying stone! It is coming off now though thanks to you and slimming world.

    Speaking of kids, I saw you mentioned killer cells and thought I would share my experience with you in case it’s helpful. I luckily had no trouble conceiving my first daughter but when we started trying for our second I had three consecutive miscarriages.

    I knew something wasn’t right and went to a good friend who is an ivf consultant in London. We were lucky to conceive naturally so didn’t need ivf but from the details I gave him he said he suspected a natural killer cell issue and put us in touch with DR George Ndukwe at the Zita West clinic.

    I had the tests and had really high levels. I had a few sessions of intralipids (basically mayonnaise plus a few bits haha! Not reduced fat mayo mind 😀) and got pregnant within weeks. Once I was pregnant I had more intralipids plus progesterone, steroids etc until I was 12 weeks. After that I had a normal pregnancy and had my daughter Lottie (now 17 months)

    I know you will hear a lot of negative stuff about killer cells – I had loads of doctors etc basically say it was nonsense- but I met SO many women in that clinic who had tried everything and this was the missing link. It’s so hard to know where to turn and what to try but from my experience there are no down sides to trying it alongside IVF, the treatment is totally safe. It is quite expensive for the tests – I think we spent about £3500 in total for tests and treatments – but worth it!

    More than happy if you want to know any more or if I can help and I wish you so much luck.

    Dani X

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